Republican? Confused? Wondering who to vote for in the 2000 presidential primary? Choosing a candidate is like trying to pick the one dessert, vacation, or Clinton scandal that you like above all others. Every candidate has something unique and valuable to offer the party. Imagine if we could combine the best attributes of each into one super candidate. What would this candidate look like?
Besides his manners, piano-playing skills, and flannel shirt attire, Lamar Alexander ‘s best quality may be his smile. Whether he is on offense, defense or the sidelines, his lips are never far from a healthy, confident smile. This may seem simplistic, but the GOP needs a happy face. Republicans haven’t smiled much since the ’96 election.
Nor have they won many debates since the inspiring idealist, Newt Gingrich stepped down from the podium. Gary Bauer may be one of the least known of the morality candidates, but pit him against the most articulate democratic opponent, and he methodically demonstrates the advantages of conservatism. He even seems to enjoy the process. Someone will have to go mano-a-mano with either Gore or Bradley. Jack Kemp stumbled in the debate against Gore, as Quayle did before him. Gary Bauer possesses the fighting spirit, debating skills, and sense rightness that would win presidential debates.
Pat Buchanan has put the likes of liberal Michael Kinsley in his place for years on national television with confident ease. In both speech and writing, he presents a seasoned understanding of international affairs. He’s not lacking in well thought-out solutions, either. With his let’s-mind-our-own-business views on foreign policy (called isolationism by opponents), he could convince the world that Americans really are a peace-loving, non-violent people who prefer not to attack sovereign nations with whom they disagree on internal policy.
Looks, lineage, Latin, and Lone Star. George W. Bush may not have clear-cut policies, nor may he need any. “I just like the man,” women say, when asked about Bush’s appeal. Men look into his face and see the elder George standing up to an evil Iraqi dictator. His handsome, gentlemanly appearance might sway some voters once behind the private curtain of the voting booth.
If a tree danced the Macarena in a distant forest, would anyone notice? Ever heard Charlie Brown’s teacher deliver a lecture? Ever heard Al Gore speak Spanish? No one has, but it’s funny to hear him try. George W. knows when to trill his r’s and when to leave his h’s silent. This hombre knows a few Spanish slang words. The linguist vote aside, Señor Bush lives and works with voters of Mexican heritage, and he retains a coveted Hispanic following that buttresses his campaign. Republicans need the Hispanic vote to win Texas, and they need Texas in the General Election. All these characteristics transform him into the Ricky Martin figure that Republicans need to bring more voters under the big tent.
The Doles are back this year. This time around they’re younger, wiser, and more effeminate. Elizabeth Dole is no Margaret Thatcher, but she holds fast to core conservative values during a time when women voters are leaning Democratic. A strong female candidate would attract voters who might not otherwise cast a Republican ballot.
Cha-Ching! No, that’s not the name of another Chinese Clinton-Gore campaign contributor, it’s the sound of Steve Forbes not having to pander for cash. Besides the ability to self-finance his campaign, he has solid business experience and has previously run for president. He has also brought some prescient ideas to the forefront of politics. Forbes dared suggest that we should reform social security back when it was unpopular to do so. He’s also the father of the flat tax.
Bobby Gawthrop is a 35-year-old who wants to be the first Generation X president. He’s 12 years younger than John Kasich and obsessed with social security reform, national debt reduction, and the environment, all issues that will affect his generation, not the current. “My candidacy is not ideologically based; it is generationally based,” is the essence of his platform. Republicans need his youth to attract the MTV vote.
When it’s all over, someone is going to have to sort through the Clinton era bookkeeping practices, and who better than the Chairman of the House Budget Committee, John Kasic. With his budgetary expertise, he’s the best chance the GOP has for finding hidden spending and tax increases. Mr. Kasich has now dropped out of the race. Unfortunately, he will not be able to oversee many more budgets, even from Capitol Hill, as he will also retire from Congress.
Republican politicians have shied away from confronting the countries’ moral decay. If you cast a stone at Alan Keyes, duck. He may cast it right back. If necessary, he could make the grass feel guilty for having the same hue as the dollar bill. Republicans need his moral convictions.
Who can question the patriotism of a man who spent 6 years in a North Vietnamese prison? John McCain’s military record is the greatest asset to his candidacy. Under a McCain administration, there would be no Chinese spy/technology transfer scandals, no invasions of non-threatening sovereign nations, no pharmacy bombings, and no questions about whether his foreign policy is influenced by this month’s domestic scandal. His military record speaks for him.
Links to Dan Quayle appear under two topics on the Yahoo search engine: Candidates and Humor. The media has stalked him from the campaign trail to middle schools. On paper, Quayle’s platform balances both the social and economic sides. He invented the term “family values” and wants a “tax cut for every American.” He has experience and a message, but lacks delivery. Dan Quayle’s superhuman determination benefits any candidate.
We now have a composite candidate who is happy, eloquent, foreign policy-minded, good-looking, bilingual, female, wealthy, young, budget-oriented, moral, patriotic, and determined. This perfect Republican candidate would be a definite winner in 2000. If anyone spots this person, please contact the Republican National Committee immediately. See you at the precinct.
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